The day started out wonderful. Got up after a good night’s sleep, found a decent trail to ride on along the roadway in beautiful Bellevue Washington and worked on heading out. I hadn’t been on my road bike much so I was really excited to get out and put in a good ride.
As I gear up and head out the door I’m feeling great. I’m gonna hit the streets and work on those pesky extra pounds that seem to follow me. J I immediately get on the road with a sufficient enough bike lane for me to feel pretty safe. I had the directions in my mind and went over them and over them again so I wouldn’t get lost. I remembered I needed to turn left and go up the hill in order to hit the bike path I needed. I see it…yep that’s the turn. I carefully cross the busy road and start to head up the hill. Did I say hill? No this was a San Francisco screw you hill. That’s okay. I can go up the hills….my problem will be how in the hell will I get down this hill. Not to worry, I have a bike ride to complete for now. So I huff and puff and sweat and hope I don’t fall over because I’m going so slow up the hill. I panic a little when a haggle of work trucks fly past me roaring and blowing leaves on me while causing some deafness in my left ear. However I get over it and continue on.
After a bit of time I crest the hill and feel great. Now I just need to follow the bike path deb and all will be fine. As I’m riding I have to cross some roads, make a left turn here, make a right turn there, nope wrong way turn around, make a left turn here, ride straight dodge the runner, dodge the dog walker and all the while solve all the world’s problems. I couldn’t solve whether ALF was played by a small man or big child but nevertheless I was riding so it didn’t matter.
AND then THE feeling. Oh no not again….where am I? Ah maaaaaaan….now I have to call Honey and ask him where I am. Damn it. I know I’m only 3 miles out and made a turn somewhere back there on the trail. So I call Honey and he looks on the map and lets me know where I need to go. I head back to find where I might remember something from the ride but realize I was in my own thoughts. AH CRAP!
After a few calls to Honey and few turn arounds and backtracking I find my way back to where I need to be. I decide to head back towards the hill where I am familiar with the road. Oh WAIT! The Hill!! I can’t ride my bike down that hill. NOWAY. Imagine if you were on a bike, feet locked into your pedals where you have to remember to twist and pull in order to get it out, while you’re going 30 mph down a hill because it’s so steep your brakes won’t slow you down much, all the while imagining what it feels like to splat onto the roadway going 30mph. That’s what thought flashed in my mind. That did it for me. I’m walking it down.
Once I get to the hill. I hop off my bike and proceed down the steep hill trying to hold my bike back and walk in my bike shoes, which is basically the equivalent of trying to walk on ice, on stilts. So as I am talking to myself, wearing my bike helmet, walking in my bike shoes, trying to keep my bike from rolling away from me down the hill I hear a squeaking noise. What the hell is that? Is my bike broke? Come on…wait. How come every other step I take I hear it? It’s coming from my right foot! Nooooooooo! Not now.!!! Did someone put a dog toy in my shoe? Why me? Why now? 
As I am talking to myself, walking down a steep hill, in my bike helmet, wearing my bike shoes, with a squeak and a thump every other step I take I start laughing. I start laughing out loud so hard I have tears coming down my cheeks. I can’t make the squeak stop. I tell myself “what did you do to your shoe? How do you suddenly get a squeak in your shoe? You have to stop talking to yourself. You have to stop laughing.”
So I proceed down the hill with a squeak, thump, squeak, thump, squeak, thump while I’m talking to myself, laughing with tears streaming down my cheeks, with my helmet on, in my bike shorts, pulling back on my bike so it doesn’t go down the hill on its own, trying to keep myself from slipping down the hill when I look up to see an elderly man walking up the hill towards me. He takes one look at me and crosses the road starting at me as if I was standing there trying to bite my own ear. Come on old man can’t you see when a semi-young woman is clearly in hysterics?
I don’t even attempt to explain. I just continue down the hill laughing even harder, although trying to be quieter as I start to imagine people locking their doors in the houses I passed and sneak a look out the window at the “crazy” woman walking down the road with her bike.
I finally reach the end of the hill and hop on my bike as fast as I can and hightail it outta there!!
Sep 14, 2010 @ 21:01:23
HA HA HA! You’re too funny!!!
Sep 14, 2010 @ 22:32:42
Clearly you are directionally challenged. I am so sorry to say, but you get the unfortunate trait from me. You have to compensate by not thinking right, left, east west, north or south. You think in terms of landmarks, big ole tree with funny bark, purple house with yellow porch, Stop sign that’s hanging sideways. Works for me, and nobody knows I cannot tell right from left, or east from west. Unless the sun is rising which is in the east, or is it the west? That’s OK when you get here the ole Mother Hill is waiting for you.